Q: Man in the middle of life, sexually assaulted by a male family friend in early childhood. Full penetration, oralsex and emotional chaos for five years. I didn’t know what pedophilia was. A little boy thought a full grown man was his boyfriend. The offender was my secret, which I kept in fear and shame. Then like now, full of agony and in no shape to help myself. No one else was taking care of me then. It became my bane. I don’t have the energy anymore. My woman knows the most and supports me, but I’m full of angst and pushing her away. Now and then someone knows fragments of the truth, I’ve pushed several of them away. I’ve been successful in my career, but I’m burnt out. I’ve been in a meeting with myself, and can’t handle another therapy session. I’m touchy. I can’t trust anyone. I feel betrayed and is angry at myself often. I’m angry at the ones close to me and have a lot of angst to be taken for a “poor thing”. I’ve got steel anxiety that the characteristic to be my legacy. What can people like me, who just don’t want anymore and not dare anymore?
About to be gone
I see myself in most of what you’ve written. The assaults that happened during my childhood was my secret that I was afraid someone would discover and I thought I was the only one in the world who experienced this and nobody could help me. If molestation was mentioned in social contexts or in media, I could be depressed for a long period of time afterwards. I got help to find who I could contact to get myself further. That you’re sending us a message and you’ve been to therapy is showing that you’re making an effort to tackle your problems. There’s to be “poor thing” about by having starting this process. It seems like you’ve very aware of yourself. I don’t know what kind of therapy you’ve been trying and if you’ve tried different therapists. I eventually contacted a support-center and met a therapist I felt safe with. You haven’t told where in the country you’re from, but there are support-centers experienced with men. SSMM (Senteret for Seksuelt Misbrukte Menn) is in Oslo. My advice for you is to contact a support-center or your family doctor to find another therapist you can feel safe with.
Best of wishes