To be aware of that you’ve been subjected to sexual abuse can happen in various situations and triggered by different events.
I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out. It took me 30 years before I realized. I had a job within the treatmentsector, it was discussed at a meeting about sexual abuse against a boy. Suddenly the pieces connected, I’ve been experienced that too! Then and there the my streatment got started.
I had passed 30 years before I realized that my miserable life had an explanation. Self harming, alcohol, exaggerated sexual fantasies, escaping reality, everything that could ease the pain. Every day was a struggle. My childhood memories were gone. My buddies talked about parties, football, stealing apples, etx. Everything was gone. I repressed my childhood. And didn’t know why. Til one day:
I was listening to the radio where a woman told about her childhood, where she was a toy for pedophiles. How she fought to handle life and an adult. She was telling my story. This became a turning point for me. I wasn’t alone. From when I was 8-9 til I was 15 years old, adult women and men had manipulated my childish and innocent sexuality. I remember my damned body failed me. A body I still a strained relationship with. Why did I get an erection? Why did it work for me when I actually just wanted to disapper in a hole in the ground?
And then: the shame! What if my mother and father would figure it out? I had failed. I went with those who “lured". What if my friends got to know that I slept with men! There’s no doubt that this is a major burden for a child, but this is reality. We who have experienced the bizarre when growing up, have a different point of view tan others. My turning point started when I heard the story I saw myself in. I didn’t know it then, but the path to a better life was begun.
I’ve probably know about all the abuse when I was growin up, but it was at age 37, when I became a father to a lovely boy, that the thoughts began to bother me. Becoming a father triggered my memories and after my dear mother finally got some peace from many years of battling sickness and psychological hell, it was time to take a hold on my own problems I knew were present, but held them hidden from the world.
I was thinking in my youth that I could handle the abuse by myself, without anyone finding out what happened to me. It might have been working all right. The only thing I didn’t know was what to do with myself if the subject about sexual abuse should be mentioned on TV og in a conversation I overheard. Something inside of me became a knot and I plugged out from the world and was depressed several days. But it worked.
I understood that something had to be done quickly, when I became a parent. I decided that my child would never meet the molester. I had to start lying to my family not to bring my child to parties where the perpetrator was attending, that was the last drop which made the water flow over. This wasn’t working. Only then did I really “get it".
I was hoping it was the 40-year old crisis. Divorced, new co-habitant, not functioning at work, growing anxiety, bad sexlife; it would probably be over. Medication didn’t help, not even the alternative treatments my partner was suggesting. A random afternoon, when chatting with a good and wise friend, the first damned memories surfaced. So very sudden. It beat the breath out of me, but finally I had an explanation. I could start to take back control
I had a breakdown when my grandfather died. It was like a bubble that burst, everything came flowing into my mind. It was the first time I had told anyone. Fortunately I had sensible people around me. A friend made me realize this wasn’t a matter to be taken lightly, things had to be sorted out. According to her, I started to drink a lot while telling my story, I was only interrupted by my friends vomit breaks. It wasn’t easy for her to take my story. After several hours of that, I collapsed. After that I got major depressions. I could have my doors locked for several days in a row.
I had a constant headache and was examined for everything. They couldn’t find anything wrong. I had difficulties functioning. I was convinced that is wasn’t anything physical, but I couldn’t tell why. As a last resort I started having sessions with a psychiatrist, I went there for several years. Eventually the old memories found their way. It was scary. My parents had a housekeeper which molested me over several years. My grandfather also had a housekeeper who did the same thing. I was aged 2-8 years. My parents couldn’t see anything wrong with me. A difficult childhood which I first started to remember something of when I was 30 years old. It has affected all my life. I’m still married, but never dared to have children.
What caused me to seek help was that I finally understood, despite figuring it out early on, that I had a problem which required treatmen. I had in away accepted what happened has happened, it’s here to stay through my life, but I had to find a way to live WITH it.