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Q: My question is if I should seek help?

I’ve beenr eading some of the posts here, it helps reading what others have experienced. As for myself, I was molested by an older “pal” when I was around 6 years old. This went of for at least one year. I didn’t quite understand what was happening, but I remember how wrong it felt. I gradually became more reluctant. He always managed to persuade me with something which sounds ridiculous in retrospect. For eksampel he told me that it was required to do so, if not, the king could decide who you had to do it with. Eventually I refused, he got angry and we fought. Whatever he did, I ddin’t want to do it. He was older and stronger. But then he didn’t take me by force. It was the last time it happened. We had many mutual friends, so I was with him on a daily basis until I moved when I was 12 years old. Sometimes when we were together with other friends I was angry and disgusted, and wanted to tell the others about what he did to me, but I couldn’t

I had many older friends during that time, and as the youngest I was always dragged into something stupid. I was popular in primary school, but coul treat others rather badly. I was making fun of the new pupils in our class, but was nice to those who were there from the start. I don’t think what happened  influenced too much during that time. Then I moved to the USA with my family, where I had to start at a new school with one thousands pupils, and it was a huge change for me. I shut myself in a whole year, I only spoke when someone aked me about something, then I would blush whatever the question was. I had no friends there and lost contact with my friends from home. I thought it was terrible. I was made fun of, and it dawned upon me what I had done to some of my old classmates. I almost enjoyed is, I meant I deserved it, and I found a certain strength withint it.

We moved back after one year, and I couldn’t adjust myself. It was difficult to talk with people and open myself to others, but I wasn’t being made fun og and eventually made some friends. It gradually improved, and I got a girlfriend when I started highschool. I could be myself around her, but I never told her what happened to me. She’s probably the person I’ve trusted the most in my lifetime. One day she called, she was crying and told me she had done something terrible and I had to come at once. She var very upset when I arrived. At the end she told me she had made out with someone else. I was shocking myself. I just laughed. I felt nothing. First I thought they had sex, so I made fun about it. She looked shocked and told me they only made out. We were still together and good times until she went to study abroad. We decided to see how it would work out. Long story short, it went down the drain and I was badly shaked.  When she told me about leaving, I almost felt happy. It was a lot of stress in a way to hae a girlfriend. but when she was gone it felt like I didn’t have anyone who was there for me anymore. I found out she quickly moved on and rubbed it in my face.

I had a dark outlook on life in a period. I thought she was my last chance, the only one I could ever be compatible with. My parents divorced and my sister got a tumor. I thought (think?) that people are going betray eachother anyway, that there were no reason commiting to a relationship. Thoughts about the abuse came back stronger, and I felt ashamed. I cut myself. It was a delightful way to vent my feelings. I could feel them disappear with every cut. I didn’t plan on getting old. I was enlisting to the army and wanted to join intops. Then it was Christmas and I told my sister about what happened when I was a child. I was drinking, I could never had told her otherwise. She managed to guess who did it and told me he did the same to her. After she fel lasleep, I was sitting awake. I was furious at myself, disgusted and wished that I had never been born. He was afterall “my friend”. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have the oppertunity. I struggled a long time with sleep problems. I could sleep 20 hours in a week. I didn’t care about if I was alive or dead. I’m almost done with the first time service with good oppertunities to continue, but I realized that it was wrong. I still thinkg it’s the only thing I could fit as. I see myself as cold, good at repressing feelings.

This is the first time I tell this in detail to anyone. I’ve read a little what others have written, and many have experienced things much worste than I have, but still handled it in a better way. It makes me feel weaker. I don’t know where I want to go with this now. It’s just actually good to tell someone. I never thought of reporting anyone, I didn’t want to dig it up. I’m not going to tell my family. I think I’m on the mends way, but I don’t know what I want to do. There’s nothing that I want.

Thank you for answering.

Regards

M.

A: Hi M and thank you for sharing your thoughts and experieces.

First of all I want to say that I recognize a lot of myself in what you’re writing.

That children are molesting children is becoming a known phenomenon and is less traumatic.

In my case, I experienced it as experimenting with others in my age and some were older than me.

The curiousity was piqued and was probably the reason for it be something exciting. The difference between the two of us is that I didn’t experience force when we did it, some unusual yet normal things according to research and professional statements.

You’ve clearly been violated and to be forced into doing something by an older and stronger person, is called sexual abuse.

Use of threats is generally, also in your case, a cynical way to make a victim stay quiet.

Maybe your experiences in your childhood have made you become who you are today with close relations to the opposite sex, which for me too have been dfficult. Emotions and the ability not to feel anything, seems to be a common trait for people experiencing abuse.

To walk around and feel ashamed is quite common for us men. We’re supposed to be the strong one, thsoe who doesn’t say anything and who is definitely not supposed to show emotion when things are falling apart in life. These are taboos which must be broken, you’re also proof of how damaging it can be to carry these secrets.

I’l try to give you some friendly advice which I hope you bring along on your way.
Acknowlegde that you’ve been violated/abused.
Place the blame where it belongs (with the abuser)
This is not your fault.
Seek help to process what happened, I strongly recommend it. You can do as many of us have done, walk around for years  just bothering yourself and others, but the problems will follow you, even though you think you’re in control.
Get in contact with a support center, tohugh you’ve decided not to tell family about this. It’s important that you tell someone you trust.
The act of finally telling someone is for many a start towards a better life. It was seems a bit scary and unpleasant, but know that you’re doing this for yourself and noone else.
We don’t know where in the country you live, but if you’re from the east, there’s places you can refer yourself to, e.x: http://ssmm.no or check the links at: http://eng.utsattmann.no/help

I wish you good luck and please do contact us again if you’re wondering abot something.

Regards

Jarle Holseter

Hi M. This sounds all too familiar:

I’d like to join Jarle and tell you that this sounds very familiar. To be uncertain of your feelings and have problems to trust other people. You say “many have experienced things much worste than I have, but still handled it in a better way”. I’ve also been thinking the same many times, and still think that sometimes and wonder if it’s right of e to revieve the help I’ve gotten. But at the same time I think when after getting help at a support center and met others who’ve been molested, it’s that we experience abuse very differently and thre are nuances that make sure we’re getting the late effects.  I’ve also learned no matter the degree of abuse, it’s giving me a better live to talk with someone about what I think is difficult. Many of us on this side have spent many years to get to the point where we dare to write anything about this topic You’ve already started, and it’s so much more than I could’ve dares a few years back.

Good luck!

Regards

Odd Sverre