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Q: The person who molested me passed away just recently. He made my childhood and youth a living hell. In addition to the nights: you’re such a good boy, and spendt the days to terrorize my mother psychologically and nigths with physical violence against her. He managed to break her down in around 10-15 years, that she agreed that the family problems we had was caused by me and my disbehaviour, which put the shole family to shame and she told me it was my fault she was drinking and my fults that she got punches in her ribs (he was good at hitting so it wouldn’t be visible, it was only a couple of times the cupboard doors was blamed for the bruises). He did whatever he could to get me out and away when I was old enough to be believed to tell about the nights. I was cast out when I was 16 and declared unwanted in the family. Now, around 35 years laters everything is coming back because of his death.

I don’t know if I shuold tell my mother and my younger siblings about what he did and why I became the black sheep. He’s not a threat to them anymore and the reason why I kept quite is gone. I struggled as hell to protect my siblings and my mother from him, and they cast me out because of my gradually visible drug problem. The molester even got me forcibly admitted to a psychatric hospital, so if I said something, noone would believe me. I was balieved by my psychologist, but I asked him not to do anything about this case and I was going to openly deny it if it was mentions, again to protect my family.

I wanted so much to tell the truth and maybe become a member of the family again, but I don’t know if it’s going to take a wrong turn if I talk bad about the dead? What do I do now? I haven’t had the courage to tell anyone til now, the urge to tell is growing bigger, but I don’t know if I shuold let him rest in peace, or tell someone what’s been buried along with him? Anyone got some advice?

A: Hi.

It’s hard to hear that you’ve been keeping this to yourself for so many years. I don’t have any experience with a dead molester when telling anyone about what happened. I think you shuold tell your family that you’ve been molested by the man who passed away, excluding the details of exactly what happened. I think your need to tell someone is most important. I also think you could tell them as an explenation why you’ve had the problems.

I recommend you to contact a support center. By using the help that is offered, you can find out how to explain what happened to your closest ones. In my case it relieved a lot of pressure just being able to talk with someone at a support center. It gave me the motivation to go on.

Good luck

Regards

Odd Sverre