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Q: I am a 37 year old man and having struggles with sex. I’ve always been sexually aggressive since I became sexually active. I’ve had many partners and been proud of that I am what I call a “giver” in the act. I’ve always secured my partners satisfaction before my own, and maybe found satisfaction in just that.

I was in my early 20’s when the first memories about the abuse emerged. Sleepless nights and uncontrollable crying. I cried for a whole week and wondered if I had gone mad. Then the memories came and I knew. It game a red thread to the nightmares I had in high school. I accepted what happened I thought, and packed it away. Moved on. About 8 years ago I got problems with my prostate. I couldn’t perform physically for 9 months. I was engaged and in a very passionate relationship. She was the woman of my life. The period without sex was problematic for us, especially as I was going on for so long without a diagnose at first. When I became physically healthy, I couldn’t do it anymore. I could be excited, aroused, but as soon as I got intimate with my partner I lost the ability to feel. Like an out of body experience. As soon as intercourse was mentioned I lost my erection. This had then been going on for almost 7 years. I haven’t been able to become intimate with anyone.

It cost me my marriage and I have a daughter whois unable to grow up with her mom and dad together. Another defeat. Depression and broken economy were things to follow. Socally isolated also became a thing. The price is getting high.

However I met another woman. She’s fantastic. I informed her about that I felt that I had a low sexual self-esteem after the relationship with my ex-wife, which developed into a sibling love because of my problems with sex and communicating about it. I’ve been dating the other woman for a little while. She’s been sleeping over a few times. We become aroused, but at once intercourse is mentioned I fail. I’ve tried viagra, but it doesn’t help. A new defeat…

I see now all this is related to what I experiences as a little boy. My mother forced me to perform oral sex on her. She performed so called golden showers on me. The shame I’ve never felt before, it punched me in the face with full force. I’ve again had uncontrollable fits of crying. I drove from Oslo to Tønsberg yesterday, and the tears kept falling from start to stop. I was almost an hour late for the meeting, because I couldn’t stop. I realize that many things in my life are influenced by my father and mother. I am intellectually smart, but all my personal decisions have been rather stupid.

I don’t want to have it like this anymore. I wish to be happy. I wish to enjoy my own sexuality again. To be able to share this with a woman again. I wish to feel like a whole man and not emotionally broken. I don’t want the past to steer my choices.

Is there someone who see themselves in my story? Can it be better? What must I do?

A: Hi Håvard and thank you for the mail.
You’re asking if there’s someone who recognize themsevles in terms of a failing sexlife? I see myself in that one all too well. What you’re writing and telling, reminds me a lot of what I’ve been struggling with the past years where closeness and sex have been problematic at times. It’s most probably some late effects taking place and this requires action. It’s sad to hear that your marriage ended, because of something that you’re not at fault at, thinking about what you went through as a young boy. I was 37 years old before I dared to tell someone about the abuse in my childhood and you should know that a lot of us men who experienced abuse have a lot of diagnoses and limitations that may be difficult to see/feel/discover because we’re so good at “hiding” pain if you know what I mean.

You’re not telling us if you’ve been to a support center for a conversation or to your family doctor and when you ask for advice, I advise you to seek help at the available help sectors out there. One can try to bury these horrible experiences away, but the memories will outlast us all, I know because I’ve experienced the same as you. No man or boy deserves to go through life with these damned things in their memory and try to forget. With proper and right treatment it is possible to have an ok life. One will learn to live with what happened, placing the blame is important and it’s ALWAYS on the abuser.

I understand this is difficult for you Håvard, but I recommend you to get an appointment with your family doctor for a serious conversation (ask for an extended appointment so you’ll have some time). The doctor is the only person who can refer you further in the system as needed. When making an appointment at a support center, ask to talk to a man if you feel it’s the right option for you. Conversations at these centers are free and there should be competent people there who KNOW how to help you.

I wish you all the best in the future my friend and remember we’re many with the same background and supports you. There’s hope, but then you have to take the bull by the horns, it hurts, but it’ll become so much better when you’re through with it.

Regards
Jarle Holseter