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Q: How is it possible to get rid of the guilt, shame, angst, fear, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, etc?

I was subjected to sexual abuse for 3 years, from when I was 10-13 years old. There were 3 boys who were molesting me. One of them was 3 years older, the second one 2 years older and the last one was my age.

I remember looking up to the boys, they were kind of like the coolest and toughest in the housing co-operative. It was cool to hang out with them!

After a little while all hell broke loose, I would get beat up if I didn’t do whast they said. At the beginning I had to masturbate them, then I could go away. Then it went over to oral sex and anal sex and “full package”.

I remember resisting at the beginning, tried to get myself loose, etc, but I didn’t have a chance, I was too weak. The more I cried etc, the more I got beat up. The worst is that have been abused frequently after a couple of months, I stopped to resist, I did exactly what they wanted me to do and I let them do whatever they wanted. How could I let them do this to me? Why didn’t I dare to tell anyone? Why did they manage to give me an erection and come at times?

When I see myself in the mirror now, I can see the cigarette burn mark on my hips, I haven’t gone a day without being reminded about what happened, in the form of visible scars, flashback, nightmares, etc.

I’ve come to the point where I can’t take it anymore, after plenty of admissions, a lot of different medicine, but there’s no improvement, I’m worn out! Thoughts of suicide is taking over and I can’t fight it.

I can’t believe I’ll have a better life. How can I manage?

Answer from Tomm Erik

Hi.

DO NOT hate life, it’s doing something to you when you hate, I know this from my own experience. I think I know where you stand, I’ve been there. There’s always hope. One thing for sure; what you’ve been subjected to is NOT YOUR FAULT, I think this important to acknowledge. I’ve been spending many years myself to get through this, been admitted, using medicine that didn’t work, but what worked for me was DPS and SSMM in Oslo. I know it’s possible to get through this, but the journey can seem long and hopeless, DON’T give up.

You’re still young and I think the earlier you deal with it the easier it gets, I was around 30 when I decided to handle all this shit. If you choose the easy way out the abusers win, don’t give them win. Hang in there, you can handle this, don’t give up even though the days (and nights) are long and painful. I’ll say again that this isn’t your fault, this is the most important reason to how I managed myself, my abuser will not win this fight. I hope this is of help, if there’s anything more don’t hesitate to contact us.

A hug from my to you.

Tomm Erik

Answer from Peter

Dear friend

Let me first thank you for writing us. Our hopes with our website is exactly that to be there for people who are struggling and can’t take it anymore. I’ve been there myself. What helped me was a little search on the internet. I found SSMM’s site – Senter for Seksuelt Misbrukte Menn. I got to talk with a male anonymously and is today a good and close friend, one that saw me and recognized everything I talked about. Recognized my feelings, the agony I felt and the will to live leaked out from my body. So I feel with you. You can call or visit SSMM. I was living in Sweden at the time, but took courage and gave them a call. Try that. I think it’ll do you good. And remember my dear friend that you’re not alone in this. We’re many that fight and have fought just like what you’re doing now. We know there’s light at the end of the tunnel despite it being difficult.

I wish you well. Write to us again if you feel like it.

Regards

Peter

Answer from Jarle

Hi

Reading about your horrible experiences as a child is very sad. Us who’ve been through abuse know how difficult it is. Children abusing children is something that’s been going on all the time and is very taboo. I experienced that myself as a young boy, but not in the way you describe. Boys experiment at a young age and I have felt the shame about letting it happen. It might have been curiousity, I don’t know. I recognize myself in what you wrote about “the tough boys” and the acceptance of a young boy who just want to “hang out” with the coolest in the neighbourhood. Without them you’re kind of NOTHING. Erection and ejaculation in a setting like that happens because we’re human with feelings and urges and according to the expertise, very normal.

It’s not in any way easy to understand an explenation like that, but it happens very often when the mind says NO, but the body is doing something else. This leads to a feeling of shame on the victim who are subjected to the shame, guilt and degredation we carry further in life and we try so hard to forget about what happened.

We who’ve felt this on the body KNOW that pushing away this ghost DON’T work in the long run. The painful feelings, nightmares and the hopeless everydays will sooner or later take the upper hand, either you want it or not. That’s just the way it is.

BUT yound man. What you’ve experiences is incredibly degrading. That your “friends” rape and abuse you will leave their marks and everything else would be abnormal if you understand. the blame MUST be places where it belongs and it belongs to the abusers. Experimenting is a thing most children will go through without any permanent damage, while rape and coercion is something entirely different and requires treatment. We all agree to that.

I understand your despair, but take heart. This wasn’t your fault and I encourage you to talk with professionals with your struggles. You’re not telling us where in the country you live, but we have an eminent support for men subjected to sexual abuse in Oslo; http://www.ssmm.no/default.aspx

The people there are experiences and can help men who’ve been molested from around the country. Talks and help is free at SSMM.

Contact them by mail; post@ssmm.no or call 22 42 42 02

I wish you luck and remember you’re not alone about your experiences, we’re many and there’s hope, treatment is also a way out from the darkness, but this requires an effort, hang in there, don’t give up, you deserve a dignified life and only you can bring it back.

Regards

Jarle