Abuse from stepfather

Q: Hi.
I’m a 33 year old man who has lived with sexual abuse by my stepfather from the age of 9 til 30 years old. My situation is a bit special in that it’s been going on for so long, without me being able to get out of this hell.
I was hitting rock bottom and suicide, as I could not bear the suffering by myself anymore and told my wife and close relatives about my dark secret. After a while the burden became heavy again and I chose to share my story with the police. In a heavy process now with long police interrogations, frequent visits to the psychologist and a lot of depression. Uncertainty about what will happen characterizes everyday life, and ruins my life quality, which affects my children and other family. It’s terribly exhausting and one doesn’t have the energy to be the husband or father you wish to be in all of this. What can I do to hold on and get out of this? I don’t live close to a center and can’t/don’t want to go away from my family. I have a bad relationship with my male psychologist, and feels like my time there doesn’t help.
A: Hi K. and thank you for mailing us.
It is quite unthinkable that someone can commit abuse towards children in so many years, but this proves that the molester can have a terrifying “power”.
This is often associated with threats and shame/guilt against someone it applies to, which often grows with the passing years. I am both sorry and angry on your behalf K, but at the same time you can be proud of yourself when you’ve come to the end of this. It’s difficult, if not impossible for us to gain insight into your suffering and you still stand on your feet with a family and children, which show an inner strength/power is impressive. As I see it, what you’ve done is right, you told your wife and your closest relatives, you also made a report to the police to place the blame where it belongs and it’s always with the abuser (this is important to remember). You may be facing the most important fight in your life and EVERYTHING will be turned upside down, of course this is difficult and will require a lot from you, but also the ones close to you in this fight. I usually say that before things get better, it’ll at first become worse and worse where you are now K, but take heart for it gets better, but it’ll take time. It’s unfortunate that you live far away from a center and have a bad relationship with your psychologist, standard answer is to seek help from the support system that exists. Unfortunately that kind of network and help is rather poor when you live outside the big cities and then you have to choose what to do in a desperate situation.
I think THIS MUST be brought up with your family doctor and maybe your doctor MAY be a support along the way with conversations and guide along the way. You might also need to be prepared to travel away from home to get the right and important help, either you want to or not. Because these things are not to be taken lightly and remember you’re doing this for yourself my friend, but also for your wife and children, I believe that got to be your drive, because it is possible to have a good life if you get the right kind of help. Men subjected to sexual abuse must quite often seek help at other places and venues rather than the “normal places”. Unfortunately I don’t have a definitive answer, but I wish you all the best on the way, put up with this fight so you can havea good life with your family and we at Utsattmann wouldlike to hear from you again K.
Jarle Holseter

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